Just two days after agreeing to join President Obama’s Task Force on saving the Gulf of Mexico, former Vice President Dick Cheney abruptly resigned, citing “philosophical differences” with the President. “I thought my mission was to save the Gulf of Mexico for further oil exploration,” he said, “Not to save it for pelicans and sea turtles and poor white people.”

Insiders reported, however, that the former Vice President was offered a position more to his liking, as Assistant Prime Minister to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu. “Things have changed significantly in the world,” said Cheney, “At one time, you headed west to become a man, but the Middle East is the new frontier now, and I hear tell that a man can make his reputation in Israel these days. Israel’s the place where a man can be a man and not get tangled up in things like ethics and humanitarian googly-goo. Did you see the way they used the Somali pirate playbook the other day and took over some boats to hijack their cargo? It’s time to reclaim the concept of vision from the bad guys for our side again. The Israeli Prime Minister understands that if you merge the geopolitics of Stalin and extend the power of democracy to those who believe in the same things you do, you’ve got a winning combination that will put history and God on your side. It’s pure hardball Old Testament, which has always paved the way for Christianity.”

At his press conference, Mr. Cheney wore his new hat, a stetsuke, which appeared to be a skullcap with a wide brim.

Despite cautions that Mr. Cheney would find working with the Israeli Prime Minister much more difficult than working with the malleable George Bush—the hardline, shrewd Prime Minister is known as Nuttyahoo to his associates—Mr. Cheney expressed confidence that he would be able to work alongside Mr. Netanyahu.

“If things get difficult, we can just go quail hunting for an afternoon and work things out,” Mr. Cheney said, “And if anything happens to Mr. Netanyahu, I stand ready to take over. If you look at Israel’s policy shifts in the last year, it’s clear the country is ready for me.”