Following today’s Supreme Court ruling allowing corporations to donate unlimited funds to election campaigns, Congress, in a rare show of bipartisanship, vowed to enact legislation modifying the ruling.

“We intend to make laws in the coming months that will put some kind of limits on corporate donations,” said Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY). “So we’re putting Big Business on notice today that they’d better start ponying up now to the people that are going to decide where those limits are gonna be set.”

Senator Barbara Boxer (D-CA), Chairperson of the Senate Committee on Environment and Public Works, announced immediate hearings to put the American voter on the endangered species list. “We’ve been watching for some time as democracy, the American voter’s natural habitat, has been disappearing,” she said, “And this latest ruling by the Robert’s court is the most serious threat to their shrinking natural habitat.”

Noting that the time has long since passed when the American voter’s viability could be restored to its former condition, Boxer proposed designating municipal elections across the country as protected preserves. Justices Roberts, Alito, and Scalia immediately threatened to issue warrants for Boxer’s arrest, calling her attempts to interfere with the judicial system “a grave threat to our system of government.” Justice Thomas announced he would “probably join Roberts, Alito, and Scalia as soon as my clerks issue me a memorandum explaining what a warrant means.”